Sunday, April 24, 2011

Chronic Chronicler Built for Bus Tour

Top 22 reasons why Jan Brett should hire me as the
Chronic Chronicler Photographer on Her Winter-Spring Bus Tour.

22. I chronicle my own day to the complete tedium of everyone, and I know the bus tour would be more interesting to my Facebook friends.

21. I'm in a good place; my kid is 14 and would be sooo happy to not pose for pictures anymore.

20. Not only could I chronicle everything and put our progression on Facebook and Blogspot, but in a pinch I could double as the mascot.

Resume For Being a Mascot: Clown in a Detroit Christmas Parade, Southern Belle in Opryland hotel (with a Detroit accent), Raggedy Ann waver at Opryland, Reindeer Comet (Rudolph went to the Director of the library who is obviously a stage hog), Miss Spider of Miss Spider's Tea Party book - nearly passed out from heatstroke and suffocation, but didn't - outlasted the young ones who were also having issues), a flyer distributor in Honolulu Hawaii, a cigarette girl passing out free samples on Detroit streets (okay, I was 17 in the 70s and didn't know better). Giant Paper Mache Moon-head from McDonalds (I made that one and came in 2nd place at the Halloween party, lost out to two nearly naked women). And a fork.
Okay, maybe I won't be the mascot, I'm having a hot flash right now and could die in that thing; this would be most traumatic to the young.

19. I need to get paid for photography or anything that's creative since I'm tired of working for free; impromptu weddings, perhaps pictures of hundreds of kids spelling Nashsturtion, Nasturten, Nasturtium, whatever, church photos, or take pictures for my portfolio so we can make a million dollars and you don't.

18. I have a boatload of BUS EXPERIENCE. I took Detroit City buses at 4-years old and survived. Not even lying here. But Jan's bus is very impressive - and those marvelous drawings! How did they do that? See, I would take pictures of the process of getting the drawings on the bus. I must know, and I must photograph it.

17. As adults, my sister and I took a Greyhound Bus tour from Tennessee to Detroit. If you can survive this, you can survive anything. We don't complain about airline travel any more.
(A ditch at 4 a.m. - I'll say no more.)
This was the answer to any question, "When will the bus come to pick us up?"
"How long will it take to get there?"
"There's No Way of Knowing!"
This has become one of our favorite quotes.
16. Total Children's Literature nut! I could brief (or just chit-chat with) Jan on all the latest and greatest children's books while we're bouncing along the asphalt. We could look at D.J.'s videos, James' latest eBook, photos from Kerry, as well as discerning the hottest Suzanne Collins. You get the idea. Plus, I have a degree in English Literature, but that hasn't really done anything for me, except that I can write that sentence.

15. I don't smoke.

14. I don't whine and complain about long stretches of boredom - I read a book or do my own art journals.

13. I don't get drunk, ever since the party in 1982ish when I told Julian Lennon he wasn't welcome. I regret this immensely. Have never been drunk since, Julian, so I learned my lesson, and  "I'm sorry!"
12. It's my YoT (Year of Technology) so I would say yes to all learning.
11. I would be Extremely excited about taking photographs of Everything! From sketching, crowded bookstores, kids, mothers, sisters, fathers, books, books on the shelves, Jan's art work, presents they give her, staff, the bus of course, other's art, playing cards on the bus, cows, horses, big cities, buildings, sunrises, sunsets, lost ring of the Ecliptixcs, ancient artifacts, Americana, reflections through windows, twigs in the shapes of letters, tennis-ball art, pronghorns, cats, dogs hanging out of open windows, and even coffee mugs; everything but bad hair-day in the morning (actually that too - but wouldn't post those on the Internet).

10. I would really dig stopping off at all Americana Roadsides (these photos could be a side book). You know, the stuff such as an 50-foot bowling pin, a house built into the rock, twenty-foot statue of Superman, 30-foot donut. Imagine the artist who spent his/her life creating this JunkArt must have been interesting.

9. Went on a cross-country tour for Motorcyclist Magazine in the 1980s (further experience) taking photographs published in the magazine. Today, my middle-aged body is suited for a cushier bus.

8. Did I mention that my husband would really like me to have a job and make money again; he misses this, ever since I quit my design job to take care of our son. He says, a paycheck would make him understanding of my inability to not be home to make oatmeal. What happened to those men who insist their wife stay home? Gone since 1952, I think. Well, I sure don't want to do something dull at my age. Life is short, and I'm only good at children's literature, tennis and witty banter. As my sister tells me, you have no clear visible talents. So, definitely a shoo-in chronicler for the next tour.

7. It's my destiny to take photographs involving Children's Authors. I've been bringing in children's authors to the Linebaugh Library Pen Pal Committee for ten years, and I have never met a children's author who isn't fabulous. They are all sweet down-to-earth great people - it's probably because they love what they do and it's important work.

6. I mix photography into my own work either as JunkArt Journals or Children's Books. And would be busy with my own stuff and not be bored for long stretches of road time.

5. I would learn from Jan because she's one of the best in America!

4. I'm about the same age as Jan, so I'd understand her aches and pains and issues of hot flashes and why my leg just fell asleep and I won't be able to move for about thirty seconds.

3. I'd photograph all the funky bookstores and compile that into a book. I'd be lost in all the BOOKSTORES! Big Yeah. "Where's Naieva Bookist? The bus is pulling out - somebody go get her, I think she's still in the kid section playing with the sock monkeys. What a funny person."
2. Okay, we're getting down to the final reasons that I should have a job as Chronic Chronicling Photographer on Jan Brett's Bus.

The number two reason is that I should not be the Chronic Chronicler Photographer on Mats Vilander's Tennis Bus touring America. It would be weird to get into my funky pajamas at night near a tennis dude, and then what about how I'm looking in the morning before coffee. But, I wouldn't mind doing one event somewhere, especially if he plays a round of tennis with my kid.

And the Number One Reason that I should be the photographer on the Jan Brett bus is . . . .
are you ready for the top Reason:

 "It would work out nicer than Real Housewives of Atlanta Bus Tour."
At least, I would hope.

So there you have.

We'd have to schedule it around the NALTA season, and I wouldn't want to miss the big tennis Cincinnati tournament we go to in August  either (I have to take pictures of buddies Fernando Gonzalez and David Ferrer). We've got our children's author coming to Linebaugh in Mid-Fall.
I will skip the parade (the Giant Podiatrist Foot Float Debacle a few years back isn't easily forgotten).

Winter 2011 to Spring 2012 works for me.
My kid can drive himself to school.

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